Being Both Flawed and Tasty: A Lesson in Life and Ugly Food

Have I bitched enough yet about how hot it is? I don't know if it's my verified Northern/Western European heritage (no seriously I had DNA testing done), but this heat just saps me of any and all energy. I could not even stop by Safeway on my bus ride home for cooking supplies, lest I faint. So I decided I'm cooking whatever the hell is marginally edible in my fridge and hoping for the best and then calling Al Gore and screaming, “FIX IT!!”


I had three eggs left from my mother-in-law's hens, which are culinary GOLD. Must include those. Some salad greens, some mozzarella, three-day old cherry tomatoes and an avocado. I can work with that.


Then this happened, which was neat.

Now I have two eggs left. I do not prefer to cook eggs under such circumstances as I am known to throw them out when I try to cook them and they suck. Not because I'm like a horrible, vindictive person who is prone to fits of rage (I'M NOT, SHUT UP), but to do them the favor of not living their brief life marred by disappointment and mediocrity. Now the pressure is on, because I have been failing on eggs so hard lately it's like I'm a junior high kid who thinks it's cool to skip class.


My husband prefers hard-boiled, and I prefer soft. So I whipped him up this awesome salad then got to feeding myself. That hard-boiled egg was on point.

I should also mention that today, I got a package from Crate & Barrel from my parents that was full of AWESOME NEW PLATES(!!!!!!!!) because maybe they're proud that their daughter cooks stuff and puts it on the internet and they are encouraging good behavior because otherwise I would totally be snorting nefarious things off of a toilet bowl at Hidden East Tavern. Or maybe just because they're awesome. They are fancy and colorful (both the plates and arguably my parents) and I must do them justice.


I roasted the tomatoes not out of any sort of culinary inspiration but because they were starting to go soft, and my chickens won't eat them. Roasted tomatoes might be my new favorite thing – they become so sweet and acidic at the same time, and they're awesome even though they're ugly and wrinkly which gives me hope for my future. I am turning 31 in a couple weeks, so the pruning process has begun.


Now for my soft-boiled egg. That slutty mistress. I followed the recipe from my food bible, The Food Lab, and have had a hell of a time nailing down the cooking time. I've been told I prefer six-minute eggs, but for me and our stove, it takes seven and a half. Many eggs have perished in this determination.


WOW HOW AWESOME. After just straight up dropping an egg on the floor, I stood in a kitchen that was already hot as balls over a hot stove, and my egg had cracked. Did I mention I am totally an egg misogynist and hate the ones that are ugly even though they probably taste fine or possibly delicious? I only did this for the picture. I do sort of enjoy the fact that it looks like Batman.

It actually tasted perfect. And the roasted tomatoes, avocado and cold mozzarella drizzled with a bit of olive oil and some sea salt was really a tasty combination. Lesson learned – you can be old or wrinkly or ugly or any combination of the three, and still be tasty.