Fat Kid Day

It was a stupidly hot weekend.

Dodging under random and ever-shifting spaces of shade, I accomplished a lot in the yard, and spent ample time kicking it with our awesome chickens – but I still needed to clean my bathroom and do my laundry and scrub the floors and solve world hunger, of which I did absolutely fuck-nothing because I was too busy drinking beer (FOR SURVIVAL) and sticking my face under cold running water while my cats tried not to die.  After a hot and draining couple of days, I was tired.  I dragged my sorry ass to work on Monday and just felt like I was lagging all day.  I hadn’t cooked a new recipe from The Food Lab or blogged the previous day as per my mission, and felt pretty poopy about it.

So, I got home Monday night determined to check off a couple of recipes from my (LONG) list, and I was so sick of salads and healthy things because hot weather makes me want to mainline White Castle burgers.

 I decided to make smashed potatoes with a from-scratch herb mayonnaise so I could eat all the oil in my pantry and also some starch, just for good measure.  Basically cholesterol therapy.

I drove to Safeway and they didn't have the right kind of potatoes because everything has to be a goddamn tragedy.  So I got yellow potatoes instead of new potatoes which is like eating rehydrated peanut butter when you wanted Nutella.  And then it makes you make outrageous comparisons that have no foundation in reality.

I made it home, also with a bottle of Cocoban which is the best cheap red wine on this planet.  I needed it because it counteracts personal and situational failure (at least during consumption) and I'll take what I can get.

The mayonnaise was a miracle.  We buy it from the store for our whole lives because it's one of those things that is a fridge essential but no one ever thinks to make themselves.  I always thought it was like churning butter - why in the name of fanciful Moses would I go through ALL THAT EFFORT when I could just buy it?  News flash - mayo involves dumping things into a mug and running an immersion blender.  If you're cross-eyed and lack basic motor skills, you can make mayo that is delicious.  Even add some garlic and call it aioli if you're fancy.

I boiled the potatoes until soft and smashed them with a pan, then fried in oil.  Do you know that feeling that you get when you walk into McDonald's that's equal parts "holy shit fried stuff" and "I make poor life decisions"?  Smelled like that.

I've been trying to cook healthy, and I deviated.  But I think there's something inherently healthy in indulgence.  I walk past Dairy Queen every goddamn day and never treat myself - instead I learned how to make mayo and fried potatoes like a really industrious fat kid.  It tasted like heaven and improved my mood as much as it damaged my waistline.

I'll eat a salad next time.